Must be getting close!

I've officially started to waddle. It's ever so attractive. I feel like a penguin.

Today is day one I'm starting to wear waterproof mascara and eyeliner just in case. Have to look good during labor you know!

Puppy time

So yesterday morning Chris and I were being lazy and laying in bed watching TV, apparently our dog felt left out (not allowed on the bed) and went out to his bed in the living room and just howled the most heartbreaking lonely howl ever. So I went out to the living room, scooped him up for some one on one attention and end up in the rocking chair rocking my dog to sleep. It worked, but it was kinda wierd looking down to sleepy puppy eyes and realizing that soon it will be sleepy HUMAN eyes.
At least I know I am a good rocker though!!

Nothing fits

So round 1 of maternity clothes is being slowly but surely phased out. I'm wearing my mid-belly jeans and they are rolling down below the belly in front while simultaneously giving me plumber butt out back even with the help of the belly band. Last time I can wear them I guess. :( Feels wierd to have a gut this big. Ha! Glad it is definately not a beer belly though - at least it will go away relatively soon. But until then I am down to about 3 pairs of pants - 2 of which are capris. Chris is loving my new "around the house" look of old cartoon boxers and huge t-shirts that don't match...OH, and unshaven legs since I don't bend in the middle anymore. I'm truely a vision. People have come to the door twice while I'm wearing this get up and I've ignored the bell cause I'm too embarrassed to be seen. Only a few more weeks of this fashion dilemma to endure right? 46 to be exact! Woo hoo!

I'm not a fan...

of hot weather. My hands are now swelling. Will I really be one of those preggos who can't wear her wedding ring during the end of her pregnancy??? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid water retention.

At least no cankles yet......

Embarassing Moment

I went grocery shopping after work Monday with my “grocery game” lists and organized piles of coupons all pumped up to save a ton of $$ again. I went to Safeway and all was well, no hitches but I forgot that I had a $10 off coupon so I was a little mad at myself that I didn’t use it but by then it was too late so I just said whatev and continued to Albertson’s where the BEST deals of the week were. And there I began to unravel. First thing, I had the BEST coupon, 6 boxes of cereal for $10. It was a fred meyer coupon but Albertson’s will take competitor’s coupons. Took me forever to find the right cereals in the right sizes and they went into the cart. Then I couldn’t find the sauce I wanted and had to ask for help, then the yogurt that was on sale was not the fat free kind, then I kept getting lost and having to turn around again and again, I was all over the store. So finally I get everything I want – I go the register wait in the busy lines, people come in line behind me, I put my entire cart on the conveyor, organize my coupons for the cashier and realize that somewhere in the store I had LOST the 6 for $10 cereal coupon. I was panicked! Oh no! I wasn’t going to buy 6 boxes of cereal without that kick ass coupon!?!? I searched my purse all the while it’s getting closer and closer to my turn. It was nowhere to be found. And it wasn’t an Albertson’s coupon I could just go grab a flyer for an use…it was one of a kind!! NO!!!! I had to put everything BACK into my cart, have all the people in line behind me move so I could get out so that I could put all the cereal back and figure out what to do. So embarrassing. I was totally THAT person that I hate being behind in line…the retard that can’t figure out what the hell is going on. So I go put all the boxes back on the shelves with people looking at me like – huh…can’t make up your mind eh preggo?? I needed cereal anyways, but nothing I would actually eat was on sale at ALL and I couldn’t see spending $4.50 for a box when I was supposed to be getting them for less than $2 a box….so I thought maybe I’ll have toast instead – go to my Sara Lee Delightful bread and it too is almost $4 so I just get completely fed up and decided I’ll do one lap around the store and try and find my missing awesome coupon. No dice. By now I’ve been at Albertson’s for over a hour. L I had gotten strawberries and angel food cake at Safeway (on sale) which is Chris’ fav and I was going to go home and surprise him with it, but as I was checking out at Albertsons, no cereal, no bread, no sanity left, he called and was on his way home! NO! I wouldn’t get home in time to make the shortcake!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was SO pissed at first. Flew home in a rage at the damn store for eating my coupon. Then Chris got home…and I dissolved into a puddle of tears. I told him the whole story and the sweetie he is he made dinner while I prepped the strawberries so that I could get over it faster and not feel like I was a complete failure. I was seriously hysterical. I finally calmed down and was cutting the strawberries in the sink while Chris needed some water so he comes over and I go to turn the faucet on for him – but I have a knife in my hand and he is also going for the faucet – so I end up stabbing him. NOOOO!!!!! I feel AWFUL so I become hysterical again. Then I pull myself loosely together again (it didn’t even break the skin so he is fine). We go to sit down for dinner and my giant belly bumps the table and my milk goes all over, I become hysterical yet again. I was like that the rest of the night. Poor Chris. He said that I have far fewer meltdowns than most pregnant women as far as he has heard so I’m entitled every now and then….I felt like such an ass though.

But at least today I think the whole thing is hilarious.

Whoa - that was scary!

Well, I had an interesting evening! Went to the doc for my 2 week check up and mentioned that the baby was normally really active during the work day but that I hadn’t felt it move at all yesterday. Not a big deal but she asked so I told her. She normally can pacify me with any explanation but instead she sent me across the hall to the room with the monitors and strapped me in just to check it out. Had me drink some juice and lay on one side and just hang out and they would be able to monitor heartbeat and movement and my uterus for contractions. So after about 10 mins one lady comes in and goes “huh”, checks to make sure I drank the juice and starts tapping my belly to try and get baby to wake up…nothing…she has me lay on the other side….nothing…has me massage my tummy…still nothing….so she leaves me there for another few minutes. Doc comes in and checks out the print out and un-straps me, gives me directions from her office to the birth center for some more comprehensive monitoring and an ultrasound. Baby is not responding to stimulus so they want to do some more monitoring at the hospital and an ultrasound to check out my fluid levels and just make sure everything is ok. All the while heart beat is strong so baby doesn’t seem to be in distress but they need to see what is going on. So I start freaking out a little. I mean, I was kinda passive about lack of movement but my doc is sending me to the hospital!?!? Whoa. So we walk to the birth center and check in - I get a bracelet and all that and they strap me up to more monitors and I’m starting to get downright scared. Finally after about 20 more mins of nothing the nurse brings in this thing that looks like a massager and zaps my belly with vibrations and WHOA baby just about jumped out of my skin. So they were pleased that it responded and that the heartbeat accelerated and they just kept me hooked up to the monitors while we waited for the ultrasound tech…for 3 hours. Lame. But they had to make sure that the baby was just a heavy sleeper and that there wasn’t a bigger problem like low amniotic fluid or something (which I think they have to induce labor if there isn’t enough fluid). So FINALLY the ultrasound tech comes in, she won’t show us anything cause she said “we’re not concerned with those types of things, we need to make sure the important things are ok. I’m sure your baby is very cute.” Whatev. But all is well, no issues baby is just a really heavy sleeper and doesn’t seem too affected by sugar or normal stimulus. Doc says that is nothing to worry about – mellow is just as healthy as hyper. So my quick 15 minute check up ended up taking 5 hours. And if things hadn’t turned out like they did I could have had a baby last freakin night. I’m exhausted.

Nervous

Well, it's been 2 weeks since our last appointment. And another 3 weeks till the next one. I've been pretty confident about this pregnancy since we hit week 12 but all of a sudden, I'm scared. I'm at that in-betwen stage the doctor told me about. Barely showing, unable to feel the baby move yet, but the symptoms have all but disappeared. It's scary to feel un-pregnant. I know it is normal to feel this way, she WARNED me about it so it sounds like everyone has this worry but it sure is an unsettling feeling. Let the countdown to the appointment begin. Oh! And, this next appointment we get another ultrasound so that should be fun! Mom and Chris will be there for this one. Mom hasn't seen the baby yet in person so I'm super excited about that. Our last ultrasound right before Christmas, Corrie came with Chris and I which was so cool. I missed out on her pregnancies because I was in NYC so it's really special to be able to share this with her. And we got the results of our screenings last Tuesday and all looks great so I'm really not sure why I'm so ancy! Hopefully I'll keep myself busy enough so that I keep my mind off that ticking clock!

2nd Trimester!!

According to my calculations I was done with my 1st trimester at week 12, some places say week 14, so finally by EVERYONE'S count I am in my 2nd trimester!! Woo hoo we made it! I know the risks are still there but they are so much slimmer now I fell totally relaxed and positive about this go 'round. It is true that you start feeling better. Not that I was ever sick (lucky me) but I am much less tired now, able to exist with just 8 hours of sleep and no naps. Unfortunately my sense of smell has drastically increased. I can't handle the smell of the bathroom after someone has brushed their teeth, you know, that hot breath/mint smell. Yuck. And I practically need to sleep in the other room when Chris comes to bed after having ANY alcohol. Even though he brushes and gargles it is just too much for me. Ha! I've started sleeping with a sports bra on as well, they say you get less tender as you go deeper in the second trimester and I can't wait to put this particular symptom behind me.
But all is going great!
Only 6 more months to go!!

We're Pregnant!!!!!

Yup, that's right! I tested on Halloween SURE that I wasn't but lo and behold, 2 pink lines appeared. Sorry for the delayed post, we didn't want to spill the beans till we were far enough along to have multiple heartbeat /growth confirmations. All is well and we're 12 1/2 weeks along! Woo hoo!

Bummer

Well, starting out on a good note, my cycle was much more clear this month -charting wise. My temperatures are high right now and I'm almost sure I know when I ovulated. Fabulous since the last few cycles left me scratching my head. I had a few glimmers of hope during this past 2 week wait. When I was PG last time, before I knew, I got this wierd couple-of-hours flu type sickness about 3 days after our estimated fertilization day. Feverish, cold sweats, upset stomach, dizzy. I never thought much about that, thought it was just because of coming home from our trip or something. Well, Sunday the 21st I got the same wierd short sickness! And judging by my chart it was 4 days after I ovulated. A sign?? Is this what happens to my body at the very beginning stages of pregnancy??? Whoa, that would be cool. Then about a week after the big O, I started cramping - way too soon to be AF cramps....could that be the pain of implantation?? No way! Could I really be PG again!! Joy!!! Rapture!!

Then we have reality. Ugh. Me being the narcissist I am, took a pregnancy test even though I KNEW it was clearly too early to test. I knew it would be negative, but I secretly hoped it would be positive. It wasn't. Start the downward spiral. The first week and a half after O I identified every twinge, every pain, everything to pregnancy! The past few days though, I'm almost SURE it is the opposite. I am just so depressed that AF is most likely going to make an appearance again soon. Maybe Thursday - maybe Saturday. But I'm almost positive that she's coming. And I am just so so sad. Must be the PMS. :(

Funny how one small thing can put you right back in the old mindframe, you know, the one right after the miscarriage. The one where you'll never be able to have a healthy pregnancy, you'll never know what it feels like, you're biological clock is just going to stop ticking altogether soon, you'll never have a baby. I wept like the day after it happened last night.

Guess you don't realize how badly you want a child till you start to feel like you can't have one.



P.S. The next person to tell me that "it will happen for you when the time is right" is getting a fat lip. Being relaxed does not get you pregnant. And until you experience a loss, save the advice. It does more harm than good.

P.P.S. Sorry - PMS talking again.....

It's really hard..

to not get my hopes up. We are trying again, for our first time since our loss. It's hard to not think about what our due date would be, what it would be like telling friends and family at Christmas time. (Cause if we were successful this time, the end of the first trimster would be right before Christmas....)

YES!

Aunt Flo is back. TMI I'm sure, but I'm excited. :)

The LOOOOONG wait

Day 39 of this cycle.....my body is really not being very cooperative. Although maybe my body is smarter than my brain....I just started at the new job and if I pay into short term disability I can only redeem after I've been here one year......

Perhaps putting the baby making on hold? Shoot for an October birthday??

Hmmmm......

I'm annoying myself

So ever since the "incident" my cycle has been all screwy. TMI I'm sure. Last time it was 30 days ( I'm usually 28 days spot on) but this month, I'm on day 20 of this cycle and haven't ovulated yet. Well, my BBT hasn't risen I guess so I'm not sure if I've ovulated or not. It is so frustrating, I was looking forward to starting to try in just a few weeks but how things are going right now, THIS cycle could last another 2 weeks. Ugh. That would put our first attempt in early OCTOBER!!!! Time has never gone so slowly.

Then I start thinkin.......Hey! If I haven't ovulated yet...maybe we can still try THIS cycle. But yeah, hubby is totally sick and not pleased with me for being so selfish and wanting to make babies while he can't breathe. But I swear - since the "incident", my biological clock is ticking right in my ear.

Then I have the fear - what if I DON'T ovulate at all this cycle?? What does that mean?? See? I'm totally annoying myself.

Almost ready

So, its been an intersting few months. Chris has been so good to me through this whole thing I went out and bought him a BBQ. Things are getting better everyday. We were talking about why things happen and we were kind of amazed that we have had only really good things happen to us since we've been together. I guess there are a million reasons this could have happened to us, but we are choosing to see it as a way for us to become stronger as a couple. Cause how can you really be sure that your love will stand up through anything if you haven't been through anything? This was our first test. And we passed. It was hard and brutal, but we made it.
I'm ok with it now for the most part but every once in a while, I lose it. I heard from a friend the other day that she is pregnant and totally lost it. I think more than anything I was just so jealous. I started thinking about all the things she was going through, thinking I would have gone through everything a month earlier than her. Then I saw a photo of her, all cute with her belly. And I got even more depressed that I didn't look like that now. She would be feeling her baby move in a few weeks, and I can't even start over yet. She would get to be visibly pregnant at Christmas, Thanksgiving.....and if we get pregnant even on our first (second) try I will just be at that can't-quite-get-your-pants-buttoned stage. Ugh. I am trying so hard to be happy for her, but I'm just not. Its depressing.
So now starts our final month of waiting. Doc wanted us to wait 3 cycles to get my body back on track and get my insides all ready for a new little one to call home. A month to go till I ovulate again (TMI I'm sure) and the waiting is just torture. I'm trying to get my weight back under control before then (depression is not good for the waistline), so when you look at it that way its coming too fast. Even if I lose the maximum that is healthy to lose per week I'll still be above where I want to be to start a pregnancy. But to wait till I get to that perfect weight to try would just be TOOOOOOOOOO long. Why is this all of a sudden so scary?
Then there's the fear that I WILL get pregnant right away and the same thing will happen that happened last time. I dont think I'd be able to take it....
Ugh, we're just at such a strange place. I'm happy and anxious amidst this horrible depression. Let's hope this mental state gets better before I get pregnant and hormonal.....

Bad News...

I think everyone has heard by now but I'll fill everyone in on the details here.

Wedensday 6/13 Chris & I went in for our 1st prenatal visit and ultrasound. We met with the ultrasound tech first and while she found the fetus, it was measuring only 7 weeks 5 days and I was 10 weeks 6 days along. Also, she pointed out the area where we should see the heartbeat but nothing was happening. Shock. Complete shock came over Chris and myself when she said, "I'm sorry, but this is not going to be a viable pregnancy." What?? How could this have happened?? We were only 1 week away from being out of the first trimester and in the clear!! This appointment was supposed to be fun! We were supposed to get a picture to show the family, a due date, talk about all the fun stuff and finally see the doctor. Now we were getting to see the doctor but only to discuss our new options.

Basically I had what's called a missed miscarriage - the fetus died but my body had not shed the tissue. Since it had already been 3 weeks, waiting for my body to take care of it naturally was not really an option. I could go in for a D&C, a relatively safe surgical option but there were risks and without my mom and Chris there I did not want to be in the hospital nor did I want Chris to have to miss work to be with me. The final option was 2 doses of misoprostol which would cause my cervix to contract allowing the tissue to pass semi-naturally. It was a lot less risky, absolutely no chance of scar tissue so we chose that option. The doctor made it seem like a breeze, I'd take a few days to fully happend but I'd be back in business in 2 days. That was all a lie. It was a poor choice.

Here's how it went down. Thursday I took dose 1 of the meds, waited 4 hours and took dose 2. The pain started about 1 hour in and kept getting stronger and stronger (think menstral cramps that go all the way through to your back times 10 - so bad that you are unable to stop moving). But the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional trauma of passing the tissue "naturally". I suppose it would be obvious to anyone that I should have known that I would feel the large bits passing and that I might have an issue with that. It makes perfect sense to any rational person that it would not be the right choice if you were in the least emotionally unsteady because OBVIOUSLY you would feel EVERYTHING but I feel like I was in no way able to put those 2 and 2 together when we decided to miscarry this way. I was an absolute emotional mess on the floor of the living room, feeling every bit of the sac and the fetus and uterine lining coming out. How could anyone do it this way and not have a mental breakdown? 5 hours into the miscarriage and I was in agony. The doctor had also prescribed pain medicine "just in case" but I could not imagine anyone getting through the process without it. I was in excrutiating pain, was losing my mind, and bleeding like crazy to top it all off. To anyone who wants to take misosprostol, make sure you have a LOT of narcotic pain medication, 2 boxes of pads, at least a pint Ben & Jerry's, a husband to rub your back even though it does nothing for the pain, and 3 boxes of kleenex.

That was the worst night of my entire life. I spent the next 2 days on pain medication and on the couch. By Sunday morning the pain seemed to be easing up and I felt confident only taking the Ibuprofen I was prescribed, none of the Vicodon. Chris and I went grocery shopping feeling great, getting prepared for going back to work and getting back to normal. About halfway through the trip I was sorry I didn't take to Vicodon and even sorrier that I didn't have it with me. I started crying in the pop aisle, managed to pull it together enough to get out of there but lost it on the way out the door and had Chris drive home. The 15 minutes it took for us to get back were excrutiating, I thought for sure I wouldn't make it. We got back to the house and I downed 2 pills like it was my job and just sat rocking on the floor trying to get the pain to go away. It was then that I noticed that I had started bleeding much more than the past few days. It was getting heavier by the minute so I called the doctor on call. They were very little help, telling me to take my pain medication and wait it out or if I felt like it wasn't gettng better or felt like I was bleeding too much I should go to the ER. I was like I'M calling YOU so YOU can tell ME when it's too much!! Ugh! 45 minutes laterI'd filled a pad with blood the pain medicine was not having any effect on the pain so we go to emergency.

I was seen almost immediately and in the 20 minutes from home to the ER I had filled another pad. They hooked me up to an IV, gave me morpine to keep the pain within reason and did a bunch of tests. My blood count and pressure were ok so they were not worried about the bllod loss even though I was making a mess. They wheeled me into another wing for an ultrasound then I went back into the ER so they could do an exam. The radiologist said there is still a lot of tissue in my cervix, but the largest piece is only 2.7cm and my cervix is dialated 3 cm so they wanted to wait and have me see my doctor before doing an emergency D&C. My body should still be passing the tissue but now the problem is the risk of infection. They filled me full of pain medication, gave a prescription for some more serious pain medicine and anti anxiety pills to make me sleep and sent me home hoping my body would just finish what we started last week.

My doctor, of course, is out this week so I will see another doctor this afternoon. Sounds like we have the same 2 options. Take more of the medication to try and speed the process along, or do a D&C and just get it over with. Personally, I am exhausted and in a lot of pain still and would love to just get the D&C and get on with our lives. I don't think I would be able emotionally or physically to go through the pain again of the medication. I'm just so exhausted and I know Chris is equally as spent.

I'm so disappointed that my doctor did not tell us any of the specifics of what was going to happen over these few days. And we were in so much shock we never thought to ask. She said nothing about the amount of pain, she told us it wuld be cramping similar to menstral cramps but more intense. I guess we should have questioned it when she gave us Vicodon an 800mg IB. She said the bleeding would be heavier than a period but did not say how much heavier....it got so bad I had to send Chris to the store for more pads cause I was bleeding through them so fast. We made our decision based on our doctor's imformation which very grossly imcomplete and I'm now paying th price in missed work , emotional distress and pain. Please put happy thoughts out in the universe for us as we try and get through this. I'll update again as soon as we get everything under control.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and love. We really appreciate all you have been doing for us.

FINALLY!!!!

Get to go see the doctor today!! After waiting for 42 long days we get to confirm our due date, ask a gazillion questions, hear the heartbeat and see our little cave-dweller on the ultrasound. Fingers crossed that all goes well and that Baby Cave is healthy and growing. Updates to come tomorrow!!

Hormones

Poor, poor, patient Chris. I do not deserve him....

Last night I was absolutley LIVID with Chris because he wouldn't stop on his way home and pick up vacuum cleaner bags for me. I was even MORE mad that he dare suggest that I just "pull some out of the full bag" so that I could finish vacuuming. There I was scrubbing spots out of the carpet (that at the time I was CONVINCED he put there) and he is telling me to just pull some out of the bag!?!? Well I never!! By the time he got home I could at least see straight again but this emotional rollercoaster ride was far from over. Can you believe he didn't even notice the small (I mean tiny) carpet spots I had slaved over getting out? What was he....blind!? I manage to let him eat dinner in peace, but he is still completely unawares of the degree to which I am fuming inside. Then, my emotions do a complete 180 surprising even me. Chris was going to get up and do dishes but the thought of him not being by my side was just too much to bear!! So what do I do? Burst into tears, of course. You should have seen the look on his face. I disolve into a blubbery mess but THEN, it dawns on me that I am just being ridiculous so I break into a fit of hysterical laughter all the while tears continue to stream down my face. Oh man. I must have looked like a complete lunatic. The wonderful husband he is, he just sat there and held me till I got it all out. I'm sure he was a little afraid of me at that point as well. Oh boy, this is going to be a fun and completely crazy pregnancy.

Checkin in on Week 10!

How Baby's doing:
I'm Swimming! The baby has begun moving inside the womb although it's too small for mom to notice. Most of the joints are formed now - elbow, wrist, knee, shoulder, and ankle as well as the hands, fingers, feet and toes.

How mom is doing:
The morning sickness may start to ease a bit. This week, we'll blame moodiness and a blotchy complexion on those wild hormones. Have heart ~ this is only temporary.
Your blood volume will increase 40%-50% during pregnancy. As a result, you may start to notice your veins more, particularly in your tummy, breasts, and legs.

How we're growing - week 9

Baby:
Voila! Your amazing growing baby has now been accepted into to the fetus-club, a very exclusive and exiting new stage in their prenatal development. Basically, this means the little sweet pea has graduated from swimming embryo creature to a recognizable human being! This week in particular, the irises of their little eyes can function, but (frustratingly for them?) their eyelids remain fused shut for a while yet. The external ears are formed, and their inner ears are now filled with fluid—so your little one actually has started to develop their sense of balance. Your baby's little swimmer legs are still relatively short, although other developments are going forward at a nice pace: their kidney is actually functioning now, which means they’ve started urinating (this might seem charming now but wait till you have to start buying diapers!).

Mommy:
You’re nearing the end of the first trimester and while there are plenty of dynamic and noticeable changes going on inside of you, not many changes are noticeable to you save a mildly bulging midline-- which doesn't quite look pregnant enough to be exciting. Although your body might seem a little boring right now, you can expect the creeping up effect as you will gain roughly 1-2 lbs gain per week (some more and some less). It’s not a bad idea to chart this to make sure you’re not over or underfeeding both of you. As you’ve entered into the Fetal Period, it might be a good time to evaluate your personal health regimen—that is, if you haven’t already. Are you eating enough protein? Sleeping well, exercising right, drinking enough (non-sugary) fluids and getting your vitamin C? Having a baby is the ultimate test for your body—if you take care of your health now you’ll come out of the pregnancy on top of your health and ready to be an energetic mother, if not, well, let’s just say, you’re increasing the chances of suffering from depression, osteoporosis, diabetes, obesity, and a multitude of little nasty viruses (think colds and flues) that good health could beat before you even noticed they’d invaded.

Good thing Chris keeps track of my vitamins for me, with my pregnancy brain I'd NEVER remember. Feeling great still!