Bad News...

I think everyone has heard by now but I'll fill everyone in on the details here.

Wedensday 6/13 Chris & I went in for our 1st prenatal visit and ultrasound. We met with the ultrasound tech first and while she found the fetus, it was measuring only 7 weeks 5 days and I was 10 weeks 6 days along. Also, she pointed out the area where we should see the heartbeat but nothing was happening. Shock. Complete shock came over Chris and myself when she said, "I'm sorry, but this is not going to be a viable pregnancy." What?? How could this have happened?? We were only 1 week away from being out of the first trimester and in the clear!! This appointment was supposed to be fun! We were supposed to get a picture to show the family, a due date, talk about all the fun stuff and finally see the doctor. Now we were getting to see the doctor but only to discuss our new options.

Basically I had what's called a missed miscarriage - the fetus died but my body had not shed the tissue. Since it had already been 3 weeks, waiting for my body to take care of it naturally was not really an option. I could go in for a D&C, a relatively safe surgical option but there were risks and without my mom and Chris there I did not want to be in the hospital nor did I want Chris to have to miss work to be with me. The final option was 2 doses of misoprostol which would cause my cervix to contract allowing the tissue to pass semi-naturally. It was a lot less risky, absolutely no chance of scar tissue so we chose that option. The doctor made it seem like a breeze, I'd take a few days to fully happend but I'd be back in business in 2 days. That was all a lie. It was a poor choice.

Here's how it went down. Thursday I took dose 1 of the meds, waited 4 hours and took dose 2. The pain started about 1 hour in and kept getting stronger and stronger (think menstral cramps that go all the way through to your back times 10 - so bad that you are unable to stop moving). But the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional trauma of passing the tissue "naturally". I suppose it would be obvious to anyone that I should have known that I would feel the large bits passing and that I might have an issue with that. It makes perfect sense to any rational person that it would not be the right choice if you were in the least emotionally unsteady because OBVIOUSLY you would feel EVERYTHING but I feel like I was in no way able to put those 2 and 2 together when we decided to miscarry this way. I was an absolute emotional mess on the floor of the living room, feeling every bit of the sac and the fetus and uterine lining coming out. How could anyone do it this way and not have a mental breakdown? 5 hours into the miscarriage and I was in agony. The doctor had also prescribed pain medicine "just in case" but I could not imagine anyone getting through the process without it. I was in excrutiating pain, was losing my mind, and bleeding like crazy to top it all off. To anyone who wants to take misosprostol, make sure you have a LOT of narcotic pain medication, 2 boxes of pads, at least a pint Ben & Jerry's, a husband to rub your back even though it does nothing for the pain, and 3 boxes of kleenex.

That was the worst night of my entire life. I spent the next 2 days on pain medication and on the couch. By Sunday morning the pain seemed to be easing up and I felt confident only taking the Ibuprofen I was prescribed, none of the Vicodon. Chris and I went grocery shopping feeling great, getting prepared for going back to work and getting back to normal. About halfway through the trip I was sorry I didn't take to Vicodon and even sorrier that I didn't have it with me. I started crying in the pop aisle, managed to pull it together enough to get out of there but lost it on the way out the door and had Chris drive home. The 15 minutes it took for us to get back were excrutiating, I thought for sure I wouldn't make it. We got back to the house and I downed 2 pills like it was my job and just sat rocking on the floor trying to get the pain to go away. It was then that I noticed that I had started bleeding much more than the past few days. It was getting heavier by the minute so I called the doctor on call. They were very little help, telling me to take my pain medication and wait it out or if I felt like it wasn't gettng better or felt like I was bleeding too much I should go to the ER. I was like I'M calling YOU so YOU can tell ME when it's too much!! Ugh! 45 minutes laterI'd filled a pad with blood the pain medicine was not having any effect on the pain so we go to emergency.

I was seen almost immediately and in the 20 minutes from home to the ER I had filled another pad. They hooked me up to an IV, gave me morpine to keep the pain within reason and did a bunch of tests. My blood count and pressure were ok so they were not worried about the bllod loss even though I was making a mess. They wheeled me into another wing for an ultrasound then I went back into the ER so they could do an exam. The radiologist said there is still a lot of tissue in my cervix, but the largest piece is only 2.7cm and my cervix is dialated 3 cm so they wanted to wait and have me see my doctor before doing an emergency D&C. My body should still be passing the tissue but now the problem is the risk of infection. They filled me full of pain medication, gave a prescription for some more serious pain medicine and anti anxiety pills to make me sleep and sent me home hoping my body would just finish what we started last week.

My doctor, of course, is out this week so I will see another doctor this afternoon. Sounds like we have the same 2 options. Take more of the medication to try and speed the process along, or do a D&C and just get it over with. Personally, I am exhausted and in a lot of pain still and would love to just get the D&C and get on with our lives. I don't think I would be able emotionally or physically to go through the pain again of the medication. I'm just so exhausted and I know Chris is equally as spent.

I'm so disappointed that my doctor did not tell us any of the specifics of what was going to happen over these few days. And we were in so much shock we never thought to ask. She said nothing about the amount of pain, she told us it wuld be cramping similar to menstral cramps but more intense. I guess we should have questioned it when she gave us Vicodon an 800mg IB. She said the bleeding would be heavier than a period but did not say how much heavier....it got so bad I had to send Chris to the store for more pads cause I was bleeding through them so fast. We made our decision based on our doctor's imformation which very grossly imcomplete and I'm now paying th price in missed work , emotional distress and pain. Please put happy thoughts out in the universe for us as we try and get through this. I'll update again as soon as we get everything under control.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and love. We really appreciate all you have been doing for us.