Almost ready

So, its been an intersting few months. Chris has been so good to me through this whole thing I went out and bought him a BBQ. Things are getting better everyday. We were talking about why things happen and we were kind of amazed that we have had only really good things happen to us since we've been together. I guess there are a million reasons this could have happened to us, but we are choosing to see it as a way for us to become stronger as a couple. Cause how can you really be sure that your love will stand up through anything if you haven't been through anything? This was our first test. And we passed. It was hard and brutal, but we made it.
I'm ok with it now for the most part but every once in a while, I lose it. I heard from a friend the other day that she is pregnant and totally lost it. I think more than anything I was just so jealous. I started thinking about all the things she was going through, thinking I would have gone through everything a month earlier than her. Then I saw a photo of her, all cute with her belly. And I got even more depressed that I didn't look like that now. She would be feeling her baby move in a few weeks, and I can't even start over yet. She would get to be visibly pregnant at Christmas, Thanksgiving.....and if we get pregnant even on our first (second) try I will just be at that can't-quite-get-your-pants-buttoned stage. Ugh. I am trying so hard to be happy for her, but I'm just not. Its depressing.
So now starts our final month of waiting. Doc wanted us to wait 3 cycles to get my body back on track and get my insides all ready for a new little one to call home. A month to go till I ovulate again (TMI I'm sure) and the waiting is just torture. I'm trying to get my weight back under control before then (depression is not good for the waistline), so when you look at it that way its coming too fast. Even if I lose the maximum that is healthy to lose per week I'll still be above where I want to be to start a pregnancy. But to wait till I get to that perfect weight to try would just be TOOOOOOOOOO long. Why is this all of a sudden so scary?
Then there's the fear that I WILL get pregnant right away and the same thing will happen that happened last time. I dont think I'd be able to take it....
Ugh, we're just at such a strange place. I'm happy and anxious amidst this horrible depression. Let's hope this mental state gets better before I get pregnant and hormonal.....