Bummer

Well, starting out on a good note, my cycle was much more clear this month -charting wise. My temperatures are high right now and I'm almost sure I know when I ovulated. Fabulous since the last few cycles left me scratching my head. I had a few glimmers of hope during this past 2 week wait. When I was PG last time, before I knew, I got this wierd couple-of-hours flu type sickness about 3 days after our estimated fertilization day. Feverish, cold sweats, upset stomach, dizzy. I never thought much about that, thought it was just because of coming home from our trip or something. Well, Sunday the 21st I got the same wierd short sickness! And judging by my chart it was 4 days after I ovulated. A sign?? Is this what happens to my body at the very beginning stages of pregnancy??? Whoa, that would be cool. Then about a week after the big O, I started cramping - way too soon to be AF cramps....could that be the pain of implantation?? No way! Could I really be PG again!! Joy!!! Rapture!!

Then we have reality. Ugh. Me being the narcissist I am, took a pregnancy test even though I KNEW it was clearly too early to test. I knew it would be negative, but I secretly hoped it would be positive. It wasn't. Start the downward spiral. The first week and a half after O I identified every twinge, every pain, everything to pregnancy! The past few days though, I'm almost SURE it is the opposite. I am just so depressed that AF is most likely going to make an appearance again soon. Maybe Thursday - maybe Saturday. But I'm almost positive that she's coming. And I am just so so sad. Must be the PMS. :(

Funny how one small thing can put you right back in the old mindframe, you know, the one right after the miscarriage. The one where you'll never be able to have a healthy pregnancy, you'll never know what it feels like, you're biological clock is just going to stop ticking altogether soon, you'll never have a baby. I wept like the day after it happened last night.

Guess you don't realize how badly you want a child till you start to feel like you can't have one.



P.S. The next person to tell me that "it will happen for you when the time is right" is getting a fat lip. Being relaxed does not get you pregnant. And until you experience a loss, save the advice. It does more harm than good.

P.P.S. Sorry - PMS talking again.....

It's really hard..

to not get my hopes up. We are trying again, for our first time since our loss. It's hard to not think about what our due date would be, what it would be like telling friends and family at Christmas time. (Cause if we were successful this time, the end of the first trimster would be right before Christmas....)

YES!

Aunt Flo is back. TMI I'm sure, but I'm excited. :)