Bad News...

I think everyone has heard by now but I'll fill everyone in on the details here.

Wedensday 6/13 Chris & I went in for our 1st prenatal visit and ultrasound. We met with the ultrasound tech first and while she found the fetus, it was measuring only 7 weeks 5 days and I was 10 weeks 6 days along. Also, she pointed out the area where we should see the heartbeat but nothing was happening. Shock. Complete shock came over Chris and myself when she said, "I'm sorry, but this is not going to be a viable pregnancy." What?? How could this have happened?? We were only 1 week away from being out of the first trimester and in the clear!! This appointment was supposed to be fun! We were supposed to get a picture to show the family, a due date, talk about all the fun stuff and finally see the doctor. Now we were getting to see the doctor but only to discuss our new options.

Basically I had what's called a missed miscarriage - the fetus died but my body had not shed the tissue. Since it had already been 3 weeks, waiting for my body to take care of it naturally was not really an option. I could go in for a D&C, a relatively safe surgical option but there were risks and without my mom and Chris there I did not want to be in the hospital nor did I want Chris to have to miss work to be with me. The final option was 2 doses of misoprostol which would cause my cervix to contract allowing the tissue to pass semi-naturally. It was a lot less risky, absolutely no chance of scar tissue so we chose that option. The doctor made it seem like a breeze, I'd take a few days to fully happend but I'd be back in business in 2 days. That was all a lie. It was a poor choice.

Here's how it went down. Thursday I took dose 1 of the meds, waited 4 hours and took dose 2. The pain started about 1 hour in and kept getting stronger and stronger (think menstral cramps that go all the way through to your back times 10 - so bad that you are unable to stop moving). But the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional trauma of passing the tissue "naturally". I suppose it would be obvious to anyone that I should have known that I would feel the large bits passing and that I might have an issue with that. It makes perfect sense to any rational person that it would not be the right choice if you were in the least emotionally unsteady because OBVIOUSLY you would feel EVERYTHING but I feel like I was in no way able to put those 2 and 2 together when we decided to miscarry this way. I was an absolute emotional mess on the floor of the living room, feeling every bit of the sac and the fetus and uterine lining coming out. How could anyone do it this way and not have a mental breakdown? 5 hours into the miscarriage and I was in agony. The doctor had also prescribed pain medicine "just in case" but I could not imagine anyone getting through the process without it. I was in excrutiating pain, was losing my mind, and bleeding like crazy to top it all off. To anyone who wants to take misosprostol, make sure you have a LOT of narcotic pain medication, 2 boxes of pads, at least a pint Ben & Jerry's, a husband to rub your back even though it does nothing for the pain, and 3 boxes of kleenex.

That was the worst night of my entire life. I spent the next 2 days on pain medication and on the couch. By Sunday morning the pain seemed to be easing up and I felt confident only taking the Ibuprofen I was prescribed, none of the Vicodon. Chris and I went grocery shopping feeling great, getting prepared for going back to work and getting back to normal. About halfway through the trip I was sorry I didn't take to Vicodon and even sorrier that I didn't have it with me. I started crying in the pop aisle, managed to pull it together enough to get out of there but lost it on the way out the door and had Chris drive home. The 15 minutes it took for us to get back were excrutiating, I thought for sure I wouldn't make it. We got back to the house and I downed 2 pills like it was my job and just sat rocking on the floor trying to get the pain to go away. It was then that I noticed that I had started bleeding much more than the past few days. It was getting heavier by the minute so I called the doctor on call. They were very little help, telling me to take my pain medication and wait it out or if I felt like it wasn't gettng better or felt like I was bleeding too much I should go to the ER. I was like I'M calling YOU so YOU can tell ME when it's too much!! Ugh! 45 minutes laterI'd filled a pad with blood the pain medicine was not having any effect on the pain so we go to emergency.

I was seen almost immediately and in the 20 minutes from home to the ER I had filled another pad. They hooked me up to an IV, gave me morpine to keep the pain within reason and did a bunch of tests. My blood count and pressure were ok so they were not worried about the bllod loss even though I was making a mess. They wheeled me into another wing for an ultrasound then I went back into the ER so they could do an exam. The radiologist said there is still a lot of tissue in my cervix, but the largest piece is only 2.7cm and my cervix is dialated 3 cm so they wanted to wait and have me see my doctor before doing an emergency D&C. My body should still be passing the tissue but now the problem is the risk of infection. They filled me full of pain medication, gave a prescription for some more serious pain medicine and anti anxiety pills to make me sleep and sent me home hoping my body would just finish what we started last week.

My doctor, of course, is out this week so I will see another doctor this afternoon. Sounds like we have the same 2 options. Take more of the medication to try and speed the process along, or do a D&C and just get it over with. Personally, I am exhausted and in a lot of pain still and would love to just get the D&C and get on with our lives. I don't think I would be able emotionally or physically to go through the pain again of the medication. I'm just so exhausted and I know Chris is equally as spent.

I'm so disappointed that my doctor did not tell us any of the specifics of what was going to happen over these few days. And we were in so much shock we never thought to ask. She said nothing about the amount of pain, she told us it wuld be cramping similar to menstral cramps but more intense. I guess we should have questioned it when she gave us Vicodon an 800mg IB. She said the bleeding would be heavier than a period but did not say how much heavier....it got so bad I had to send Chris to the store for more pads cause I was bleeding through them so fast. We made our decision based on our doctor's imformation which very grossly imcomplete and I'm now paying th price in missed work , emotional distress and pain. Please put happy thoughts out in the universe for us as we try and get through this. I'll update again as soon as we get everything under control.

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and love. We really appreciate all you have been doing for us.

FINALLY!!!!

Get to go see the doctor today!! After waiting for 42 long days we get to confirm our due date, ask a gazillion questions, hear the heartbeat and see our little cave-dweller on the ultrasound. Fingers crossed that all goes well and that Baby Cave is healthy and growing. Updates to come tomorrow!!

Hormones

Poor, poor, patient Chris. I do not deserve him....

Last night I was absolutley LIVID with Chris because he wouldn't stop on his way home and pick up vacuum cleaner bags for me. I was even MORE mad that he dare suggest that I just "pull some out of the full bag" so that I could finish vacuuming. There I was scrubbing spots out of the carpet (that at the time I was CONVINCED he put there) and he is telling me to just pull some out of the bag!?!? Well I never!! By the time he got home I could at least see straight again but this emotional rollercoaster ride was far from over. Can you believe he didn't even notice the small (I mean tiny) carpet spots I had slaved over getting out? What was he....blind!? I manage to let him eat dinner in peace, but he is still completely unawares of the degree to which I am fuming inside. Then, my emotions do a complete 180 surprising even me. Chris was going to get up and do dishes but the thought of him not being by my side was just too much to bear!! So what do I do? Burst into tears, of course. You should have seen the look on his face. I disolve into a blubbery mess but THEN, it dawns on me that I am just being ridiculous so I break into a fit of hysterical laughter all the while tears continue to stream down my face. Oh man. I must have looked like a complete lunatic. The wonderful husband he is, he just sat there and held me till I got it all out. I'm sure he was a little afraid of me at that point as well. Oh boy, this is going to be a fun and completely crazy pregnancy.

Checkin in on Week 10!

How Baby's doing:
I'm Swimming! The baby has begun moving inside the womb although it's too small for mom to notice. Most of the joints are formed now - elbow, wrist, knee, shoulder, and ankle as well as the hands, fingers, feet and toes.

How mom is doing:
The morning sickness may start to ease a bit. This week, we'll blame moodiness and a blotchy complexion on those wild hormones. Have heart ~ this is only temporary.
Your blood volume will increase 40%-50% during pregnancy. As a result, you may start to notice your veins more, particularly in your tummy, breasts, and legs.

How we're growing - week 9

Baby:
Voila! Your amazing growing baby has now been accepted into to the fetus-club, a very exclusive and exiting new stage in their prenatal development. Basically, this means the little sweet pea has graduated from swimming embryo creature to a recognizable human being! This week in particular, the irises of their little eyes can function, but (frustratingly for them?) their eyelids remain fused shut for a while yet. The external ears are formed, and their inner ears are now filled with fluid—so your little one actually has started to develop their sense of balance. Your baby's little swimmer legs are still relatively short, although other developments are going forward at a nice pace: their kidney is actually functioning now, which means they’ve started urinating (this might seem charming now but wait till you have to start buying diapers!).

Mommy:
You’re nearing the end of the first trimester and while there are plenty of dynamic and noticeable changes going on inside of you, not many changes are noticeable to you save a mildly bulging midline-- which doesn't quite look pregnant enough to be exciting. Although your body might seem a little boring right now, you can expect the creeping up effect as you will gain roughly 1-2 lbs gain per week (some more and some less). It’s not a bad idea to chart this to make sure you’re not over or underfeeding both of you. As you’ve entered into the Fetal Period, it might be a good time to evaluate your personal health regimen—that is, if you haven’t already. Are you eating enough protein? Sleeping well, exercising right, drinking enough (non-sugary) fluids and getting your vitamin C? Having a baby is the ultimate test for your body—if you take care of your health now you’ll come out of the pregnancy on top of your health and ready to be an energetic mother, if not, well, let’s just say, you’re increasing the chances of suffering from depression, osteoporosis, diabetes, obesity, and a multitude of little nasty viruses (think colds and flues) that good health could beat before you even noticed they’d invaded.

Good thing Chris keeps track of my vitamins for me, with my pregnancy brain I'd NEVER remember. Feeling great still!